See You Next Tuesday

We live in a world where people blame each other for their problems, where people blame others for their problems and further still, people blame other people for other peoples problems. It's a world where feelings and rewards are valued higher than the competition, hard work, responsibility and personal accountability. If your little son Billy sucks at life, then my shining fucking beacon of a child must suffer him and burn a little dimmer for the sake of feelings.

That being said, I must note that am indeed governed by my emotion. I have always prided myself on a moderate amount of  intelligence. (It's the kind of intelligence gained by remembering the right sort of information on television, not from any discipline in study.) But it is not at all within my nature to lead with it. I am governed by my intuition, my feelings. I would like to believe this has less to do with my nurture and more to do with my nature. But if I were honest, I would admit that its probably 50/50. It is with this second point that I actually arrived at my first. Now before you scream at me that one cannot arrive at a logical conclusion through emotion, I will have you know that I Googled that shit and yes you can. Rodney Brim, CEO of Performance Solution Technologies and apparent software salesman flat out used this argument to sell whatever the fuck he was trying to sell. But my point is getting further from me. My point is that I draw the logical conclusion that people value feelings over logic through an emotional reaction. And the reaction was to (brace yourself for something totally laughable and banal) a hipsters post on Facebook. I hope you got a chuckle out of that. I feel that sickening knot in my stomach that tells me I should, too. And I might, if I weren't so aggrieved.

It's about to get a whole less eloquent in here as my mood is quickly shifting (with Gustav Mahler's Piano Quartet in A minor) to full on bitch fest. The situation behind this post is not even going to be commented on  nor are this particular hipsters motives for posting such an obnoxious piece of trash.  I am only going to say that after over a year of building a reputation for themself within a certain faction in the community in the public eye, after more than a year of fundraising, rallying, planning, recruiting, advertising and putting love and affection into something that is not only important to them but to an entire group of women, they had the audacity to try and strike it down in stroke their Mac's keyboard. Yes, that was a jab at their hipsterdom. And yes, that sentence was unbelievably long and riddled with commas.

CUNT. That is the ever so classy word they used to describe me and the rest of the women in question. I suppose they might have had the forethought to intentionally use such a trashy word to further convey their distaste for us, but it is more fun for me to imagine their pseudo intellect reaching for a European derivative to sound more worldly.

I just got a happy, excuse me.

The word itself isn't egregious to me. It's the implication behind it. We live in a world where people blame each other for their problems, where people blame others for their problems and further still, people blame other people for other peoples problems. I am guilty of the third in this line, purposely put at the end to exhibit its ridiculousness. But I am guilty of it, according to said hipster(should I be capitalizing Hipster? Is it a title?). I am a cunt through my inaction. My inaction to get involved in the personal life of other people. When does the line get drawn between personal responsibility and community? Is our existence to now imitate technology and be a free flowing continuum of divulgence and bullshit? When does it cease? When do we say, "enough! I will not take the responsibility for the mistakes of others." I use I because although we were addressed vaguely and cowardly as a group, I react as an individual, offended on my own behalf, and not at the behest of others.

Furthermore, this hipster forgets themself. The use of the word "cunt" against the people in question is one of the most selfish things I have ever witnessed. I see it as indicative of the time we live in. A time when Billy can suck at life and the whole world must pay out for it. The whole world must be accountable, because God forbid someone be to blame for their own actions. What do they forget? They forget being clothed, sheltered, fed, comforted, and otherwise nurtured by the very cunts they mark with such disdain. They forget the warm bed offered to them. The camaraderie. For fucks sake, they forget their reason for using this word in the first place is a product of this organization!

Now, this person might be reading this now. I do not apologize for anything I said. I was called names. My home was belittled and an organization I love was set on a pike; hemorrhaging for any dime store apothecary to poke, prod and examine.

The difference between us here. Your insults and mine?

I am not going to post it on fucking Facebook.

Fat

It's not something I usually address publicly or directly. I usually address it from a health standpoint (something I have been conditioned to do from my immediate family) by wanting to lose weight to be stronger, healthier and do the things I have always dreamed about doing. This is in part, true. I would love to be able to go for a jog, backpack, hike, go mountain climbing or surfing. As it is right now, I am not healthy enough for those pursuits. All these things I want to do, and yet I feel like enjoying my life is a secondary priority to other peoples expectations of me. That is, how I look. And how my looks make my immediate family feel about me.

I am fat. I have been for sometime now. There was a point in my life, when I wasn't. I was 150lbs. I was 16 and I looked like your typical American angst driven teenager. I dyed my hair pink, wore fishnet stockings, pouted my lips and showed as much tit as my school and parents allowed. I dated older boys, got drunk and flirted, spoke like a jaded 30 yr. old, and ultimately got complacent with the ideal I had always been searching for. Honestly, I let being attractive and skinny get to my head and got into an abusive relationship that went sour when my weight went up. This went on into my early 20's. ( I am still in my early 20's, mind you.) The point is, between my family and my then boyfriend of the time, I learned that hating myself was expected. That it was...normal? I don't know. Hating myself was who I was.

It's taken me a long time to realize that the people you love sometimes don't know jack-fucking-shit. A lesson I didn't learn as a child, but in my late teens. My current friends don't make any comments or disparaging remarks about me, nor does my husband. My family seems to be the only ones bothered by it. I don't want to get into detail about the specific things that have been said to me. It hurts too much right now. But it's ugly. It's mean and it's ignorant. That's right. IGNORANT. It's the kind of things you would see in a shitty Lifetime movie and think, "No ones parents are that douchey."

The simple thing I don't get, is why is fucking matters. Does it define who I am as a person? Does it make me less beautiful? Or does it simply make you feel like a failure and a shitty parent? I have a feeling it's the latter. Which, you know, I feel bad for them. Shouldn't your worth as a parent be measured by the happiness and fulfillment of the offspring? I guess not. I guess it's measured in pounds. I am not much to look at right now, overall. I am jobless, not in school and pretty much directionless. But I am 22. Isn't that the point? Sure, I want to lose weight, but it's not to feel worthy, it's to lose the baggage people have dumped on me since I was 14.

So as of right now, I am fucking done. I refuse to hate myself anymore. I refuse to not feel like a worthy human being because I wear a size 20. I refuse to be afraid of going out in public anymore because I have been conditioned to be hyper-aware of peoples opinions of me. I refuse to not go clothes shopping because I am afraid people will see me in something I haven't worn into a comfortable oblivion. And I refuse to keep  living for anyone's acceptance. The people who matter, don't give two squirts of piss about how I look.

So......

You guys can all go blow yourselves, I am beautiful.