The Bad Girls Club or The Stupid Bitches Club?

So I was bored at home and channel surfing when I came across the season 4 reunion of a show called "The Bad Girls Cub" on Oxygen. I did the unthinkable. I paused. I watched. I couldn't look away. I am perplexed, disturbed, entertained, and now feeling kind of itchy. These bitches make Courtney Stodden look like a suburban soccer mom.

I can't say this is the first time I have ever seen this show. I get sucked in when ever I go by it. In a nutshell it's a show about seven women with a number of "personal, behavioral, and psychological problems" living together for three months. Cameras record them getting drunk, falling over in the street, acting like whores and generally being big sloppy messes. It has made for some amazing reality television moments. This is The Bad Girls Club:

derp.

 So why do I keep watching it? Since I have started this post, the reunion show has ended and a special about the show's most dramatic moments is airing. It sounds like a bunch of homeless chiwawas fighting over a steak, looks like a public service announcement about herpes, and it feels like brain cells are committing suicide. So why watch?

Two words, ego boost. No matter how shitty and useless I feel sometimes, I am still not that girl up there. I still haven't pissed the bed on national television and I still haven't made a skeezy night vision sex tape with a club rat. I can settle in my small apartment and tune into a modern day depiction of "Lord of the Flies". Maybe next season they can even serve a bitch up, Simon style.

These girls are setting women back a few decades. Get a few uneducated broads in a house, feed them some booze and your are likely to see a vagina, some vomit and a bunch of hair extensions on the floor. 

I fucking love it.

Here are some more examples of this disgusting amazing show:

See? This is how you know they didn't go to college. If they had, they would know about the walk of shame.

it's all fun and games until someone threatens you with a hanger.

The sad thing is Googling the show produces little photographic evidence of trashy behavior even though the producers and The Oxygen Network use this as it's only selling point. 

"This week on an all-new bad girls club, random skank #1 confronts random skank #2 about how she's from random place and in random place they don't mess around." Literally fill in any woman's name and name of any US city and you will have the basic formula to any given bad girls episode. Go ahead...I'll wait.

In fact, I really couldn't find a lot of negative anything about the show. It seems America is completely at ease-in fact glorifying young women acting this way. And I find it so hilarious and cathartic that I fail to appreciate it for what it is. Teaching young girls that being worthless is fun! You can even be initiated into a club about it on national television...

Courtney Stodden: The Child Bride

Doug Hutchison, 51, has taken a lot of heat in the past couple weeks. His talent agent and manager have dropped him as a client. His own mother has cut ties with him and countless websites have blasted him as a pervert and child predator. Why? Because a few months ago he married a young woman named Courtney Stodden. Courtney is 16. She's also an aspiring dancer, singer, actor and model. She is also ridiculous. In case you were wondering who Doug Hutchison was, he is this guy: 

 He played the creepy guard who pissed his pants in "The Green Mile" and a terminal that guy as in "Hey, It's that one guy!". He is actually a decent character actor. He was Gus in "The Salton Sea". It's a great movie about Val Kilmer still being hot and doing a lot of meth. But I digress.

Courtney Stodden was virtually unknown until her marriage to Doug in May. Now she's....well not exactly a household name, but she's got a name in her own world. In a world of May-December marriages to B-list actors. This is the girl in question: 

And the sad thing is, this is one of the classier pictures I could find. She's allegedly 16, but every picture I have seen  she looks more like a used up burlap sack and less like a blushing Christian bride. I take issue with her entire being. I take issue with everything about her. She is ridiculous. She is a giant parody of herself. I cannot fathom how someone like this could take themselves seriously. It has to be performance art. It has to. Let's just start at the top of this herpes infested, glitter covered and sticky laundry list, shall we?

Where in the fucking shit are her parents? What parent would trust a child to make her own life decisions? Are they retarded, apathetic or just oblivious to their daughter? I don't know if they even fit in to one of the above categories. I've seen the picture of her father walking her down the aisle in her white ultra-mini, stripper heels with her tits flopping out. He didn't look happy. He had the same exact look Billy Ray Cyrus had after he had to endure his daughter fornicating with a stripper pole at the VMA's. Maybe it's the mother who is to blame. He just looked defeated. It was kind of sad. But for whatever reason, they thought it a good idea to sign their child off to a creepy aging actor. For what? A couple of cows and a promise of good crops? ugh.

she will unhinge her jaw and swallow you whole

 But it's legal. The marriage is legal and no laws were broken. They keep using this argument. Who the fuck cares if it's legal? Legal does not always mean right. I do not even feel the need to illustrate this point with examples. It being legal does not make him less creepy, or her for that matter. She's a little girl who wants to play house in the Hollywood Hills. Let her have her fun. She's obviously in a huge rush to grow up and pull up the big girl panties. Great. Go for it. Go pay some bills, work for a living, form a complete sentence, stand in line at the post office. Can you imagine seeing this monstrosity in front of you in line at the post office? A dyed pink poodle under her arm, trying to figure out where the stamp goes? I almost don't want to ruin it for her just so I can enjoy her obliviousness to the real world for a couple of months. But here's the big secret, sunshine. Being an adult sucks balls. It's boring. There is no mommy and daddy to blow your nose for you and you have to figure out how to survive. Luckily for her though, she found a desperate older man willing to finance her uselessness. 

Here's what really gets me. She's "16". Do you remember being 16? Remember how dumb we were? We knew everything and had all the answers. Did the stupidest shit and had no understanding of the repercussions of our actions. Yeah. Courtney. Good job. 

I don't even think she's not 16. I am sure she is. It's the only thing that makes sense. No self respecting grown woman would traipse around dressed like that, acting like a cat in heat. But she wants to sell sex, obviously. You don't have to be a Rhodes Scholar to know how to do that. Show some t & a, act like a bimbo and have big fake clown tits. If this is what she wants to do, great! She can aspire to be the best at giving guys boners. Cool. Good job. Just don't come preach to me about how mature you are, what a great Christian you are and how you just want to reach out and help your fans. Shut the fuck up! I would rather take life advice from a lice infested homeless guy than a child who's understanding of the real world doesn't span beyond which edible panties will cause a yeast infection.She might not be a whore, but she is sure wearing their uniform.

Oh! And her music sucks. I will leave you with a sample of this waste of human life. A pop tune about how she's so hot and everyone's jealous. We shouldn't put our insecurities on her though. It's not her fault she looks like she's sticky.

                            

                                     Courtney Stodden - Don't Put it On Me

UPDATE:

I just typed her name into Google Images and found something totally hilarious. At the bottom of the first page, you will find this notification:

If you follow the link, you'll find out that one of her pictures has violated a child porn law or something or another. This might be disturbing if these images where perpetuated by sneeky paparazzi or someone not affiliated with her camp...But we all know that's not the case. The paps don't need to hunt her down because a.) they don't give a shit and b.) she's ready and willing to flash her pachinko for photogs. These child porn images are being created by her and her people.