What Happens When you Combine the Midwest, Archaic Laws and a Vagina

I am getting married in a little over three weeks. In the beginning, I was deep into planning and was buying bridal magazines and frequenting offbeatbride.com a lot. After about a million centerpieces and enough taffeta to rival the wardrobes of the entire cast of "Dynasty" later and I was totally burned out. Frankly, I stopped giving a shit about the wedding. Don't get me wrong, I am excited to get married but the idea of having to look at one more cake topper makes me want to bash myself in the face repeatedly with something pointy until the pain subsides.

So I had been putting the legal stuff aside, too. Until now. This morning I looked up information on the process of obtaining a marriage licenses in the state of Indiana. Pretty straight forward clerical information. Names, D.O.B, SSN. It all seemed pretty legit, until I ran across this shit nugget. It's called the "Premarital Examination Certificate" and every woman who wants to get married in Indiana has to have one...blinks...

Now to be fair, I don't know if this is standard practice in other states as I have never been married. I do know that some states require both parties have blood tests done to prevent the transfer of stiddies to the other.

Mom was right. If we both have the herps, he can never get away!

That seems perfectly reasonable. I would consent to that. Both parties engaging in a blood test. But in Indiana, men are not required to produce any kind of medical information to get a marriage license. 

The woman is. A full medical exam testing for Rubella, more commonly referred to as the German Measles. Yes, Rubella can be passed between mother to child, but shouldn't that kind of testing be between a woman and her doctor on her own terms when she is ready to have kids? Not all marriage is inclusive to child birth. Why does a Doctor need to peer into my vagina to sign a sheet that says I am okay to marry. Not only need but why should he? Why isn't this kind of testing be required of men? I propose to you, that a man can pass measles to a woman as easily as she could to her child.

But that isn't the most offensive and completely ridiculous part to this. On the form, there is a section for the physician to fill out.One of the lines reads: "Applicant presents evidence of sterilization" with a check line next to it.  What in the fucking shit does being sterile have to do with measles!? As far as I understand, the measles do not have a direct connection with sterilization. Why would a doctor need to determine if I was sterile or not before I was allowed to get married?  Are they really testing woman to test their breeding potential!? WHAT IN THE FUCKING FUCK BALLS!??? How have I never heard of this?

So I called the clerks office. I had to figure out if this was one of those fluke laws left over from the days of yore, when it was illegal to tickle women or to beat one's wife no more than once a month.

You should be thanking your lucky stars I can only do this once...

The woman who answered was about as helpful as a freshly harvested turnip. She had to look up the answer to nearly every question I had and referred me to a defunct website for more clarification. As it turns out, I could only refuse the exam based on religious objections. And the coup de grâce  was that the application would be "taken more seriously" if I did the exam. Taken....more...seriously...what? I don't give a good god damn and two squirts of piss if anyone takes it seriously! Just sign the fucking document and let me marry in peace! I am fuming right now. Seriously.

Luckily, I have had a glass or two of wine in me. My murderous rage is simmering down. I am not really sure what to do about this. I am really not.

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http://www.liberalrapture.com/domestic-violence-law.html